That's just me
by stilljustme
Summary: After The Studio Job(S3/6): Eliot works up the courage to visit the girl he once left. On his way he can't help thinking about the decision he made - and the new family back in Boston he has now. AU because I didn't see the Kentucky-Aimee-episode...


_This is my first ever Leverage-ff. I don't say this for you to be gentle with your critics; I just wanted to state it.  
Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I don't own the team (if I would, the series wouldn't have ended).  
Disclaimer 2: I don't own the song either (but it owns my heart). The lyrics used are from "Thinking of you" by Christian Kane. ;)_

_Well I know they say all good things must come to some kind of ending  
We were so damn good I guess we never stood a chance_

He was driving for over seven hours now. With the night before not having slept, and the whole day not having eaten anything, even for Eliot it got uncomfortable.  
But he couldn't stop now.  
He couldn't stop now because he knew that if he would step off the gas pedal, he would never hit it again. He wouldn't get to Honesdale, as much as he needed to.

_Go and find out what you been missing and when the highway's tired of listening  
You'll see I'm not that easy to forget_

Amy wasn't easy to forget. As Eliot forced his eyes to stay open and his car to go faster he realized just how true Kaylin's song was. There he was now, driving down a lonely highway with nothing but fear and pain and a longing he had pushed down for too long.  
When Kaylin had kissed him, it hadn't been her lips he had felt. For a moment it had been Amy's, soft and sad and filled with passion.  
Amy. God knew what she was doing now. If Eliot would believe in any kind of higher power he would pray for her, but he didn't. They were alone on this planet, and whatever good happened in a man's life happened because of other people. Friends. Family. Lovers.  
With the team constantly on his mind – especially Hardison, that guy couldn't spend a minute outside the loft without damaging something – Eliot had managed quite well to keep the thought about Amy at bay.  
It was only in his dreams that she haunted him, and the promise he had made: to be there for her, no matter what. When he had sworn this, in the night of the school dance at high school, he had meant it.  
He would never love another woman as he loved her.

Still he had left her after joining the army.  
It had been – still was – too big a difference between the horror he had seen there, and the life Amy was offering him.  
How could he marry a girl as gentle as a flower (yet as strong as a lion when it came down to protecting her family), how could he move into a white house with garden, dog and children later on – after all that he'd seen? After all that he'd done?  
So far the team didn't ask too much about his past, and Eliot was very grateful for it. Actually, their trusting him without further investigation was one of the reasons that he had come to trust them – each of them.

Eliot had always trusted Nate – from the moment he had paid his bail. "I need you to save a family, and I need you to help me" he had said, and Eliot had agreed, out of pure curiosity and because he hated being in prison. Well, who didn't? They had saved the family of course, and it was not until the case was over that Nate told Eliot why he had chosen him. Former special forces, speaking Arabian and Serbian fluently, specialist for survival, heavy drinker, victim of child molesting conducted by a parent... Nate knew almost everything that there was to know. And still he wanted Eliot to be a part of his team.  
Not as eager as he wanted Sophie, though. Eliot smiled as he thought about the first time he had seen her – disguised as the Duchess of whatever, as they all had tried to steal a dagger. Seeing her at Nate's side had been a shock at the beginning, but that was only till he realized how good at disguising she was. Sophie could hide not only her face but also her feelings perfectly, but slowly Eliot had learned to see beneath the mask. He knew she loved Nate, and he knew she knew that he knew – yes, it was as complicated as it seemed.  
Maybe family had to be complicated.

_I'm not goin' to try to stop you  
Doesn't mean that I don't want to_

That was almost exactly what Amy had said when he told her he would join the forces. She could have stopped him, she could have claimed him to be hers like he had promised, but she was too good a person to do that. And so he made another promise: to be there and live and fight and die for his country.

Hardison never had had served. Maybe that was the reason why he had this smile behind everything he did and said. Like a little, gleeful sun. Though he'd rather die than tell him that, he was grateful for this sun. For the team that was his new family, ever since he had left his old one.

Amy.

_Put a million miles between us  
But you'll still feel me like I'm right there at your side _

He reached Honesdale in the last light of the sun. As the car slowed down Eliot's heart raced up. There it was. A small white house, a cottage, rather, and a garden. No sign of a dog, but that didn't mean anything.  
As he went over to the door he couldn't help but thinking about Parker. How would she enter this house? Sometimes he wasn't sure if there was anything sacred for her. Still he couldn't imagine the team without her.  
And she would surely not spend half an hour standing in front of the door, not daring to knock. Eliot cursed himself for being such a coward.  
But then again, what did he want to tell Amy? That he loved her and always would love her? He had told her that when he had left her. That he was sorry? That had been the first thing to tell her.

_And I'm thinkin' about the roads your on  
I'm thinkin' about you comin' home_

Maybe he shouldn't talk to her at all. She had her own life now, she deserved it so much. Eliot closed his eyes and pressed his hand against the blue door, as if to feel the life behind it. Amy always wanted to have children, and she would be a wonderful mom. With her at his side, Eliot had allowed himself the idea of being a father, of having a family of his own. Now that would never happen.

_And when a new moon shines through your window  
Or you hear a sad song on the radio  
And you don't know why but you just start to cry  
Or you're driving round on a sunny day  
And out of nowhere comes the pouring rain  
Then a memory hits you right out of the blue_

"How was your trip?" Nate asked quietly. Eliot swallowed. "Okay."  
"Okay?"  
"Yeah", he watched over to his family. Sophie was her composed, friendly self while Parker and Hardison fought about the last pancake she had baked. It was a new day that would bring a new case. A new chance to do the right thing. A new reason to live.  
"Married with children?" Nate asked sympathetically.  
Eliot sighed. "No", he said, his voice hoarsely, "dead." He emptied his second glass of Bourbon at nine o'clock in the morning.  
Nate squeezed his shoulder. "I'm sorry, Eliot." He turned to look into his friend's eyes. "I really am. Do you need more time?"  
"No", he shook his head in determination. "It happened two years ago, a car accident, she was dead right on the spot. I asked the local police after I found her grave." At the last words Eliot heard his voice cracking, and he closed his eyes.  
"She deserved more, Nate", he whispered, "more from life. And more from me. And I can never make it up to her."

"You're making it up every day." Sophie had joined them, her voice warm as she put an arm around Eliot's shoulder. She searched for the other's glance and held it with glowing eyes. "You risk your life every day to save innocent people, or us."  
Eliot bit his lips. He knew Sophie wanted to help him but right now… "how's that helping Amy?"  
"Her name's Amy!" Parker squealed in delight. "Hardison, we were both wrong!"  
"You bet on Amy's name?" Now Eliot was furious.

Hardison quickly stepped in his way as he moved towards Parker. "No, we didn't, mate, really. We were just…"  
"Kaylin told us why you sang her song so beautiful"; Nate said calmly. "She said you felt the message then."  
"We're sorry, Eliot", Sophie said. "And we don't want to tell you what to feel."  
"Well…" Parker's voice quickly trailed off as Eliot shot her a deadly glance.  
"But we want you to realize"; Sophie kept on, louder than before now, "that whatever you did, you did it because you felt it. You wouldn't have been happy out there, Eliot. And we wouldn't either."  
"Actually", Hardison admitted, looking straight down onto the floor, "if we hadn't got you I guess nobody would still be alive. At least I'd sure as hell be dead." The others nodded.

Eliot shook his head. "What do you want from me?"  
"We want you to know that just because Amy has died, it doesn't mean that you can't live your life anymore. And we want you to know that no matter what you have a family."

Again the others nodded at Nate's words.  
Eliot swallowed. "I know. Thank you." He nodded at the others, hoping for someone to break up the solemn mood. Nobody did.  
"I really… I am glad to be here with you. Thanks for… for being my family."  
Hardison smiled and punched his arm. "Anytime." Sophie smiled.

Eliot nodded again, more fiercely now. "Good." He bit his lips to not think about Amy again. Not… too late. He closed his eyes. She was gone. Gone. She would never come back, no matter what he said or didn't say or do or… never.

"Thank you", he said again, directed to the team as well as to the woman he loved.

"Now can we please get to work before we're turning into one of Hardison's soap operas?"

_And when you find your way to another town  
And someone tries to lay you down  
And a feeling hits you right out of the blue  
Its just me, thinking of you_


End file.
